Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.