me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Dietest Coke
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys