Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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My background check bounced.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.