My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
#NoRestForTheWicked
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids