Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!