Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?