If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”