Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98