Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice