My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on