I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
oh you wanna fight?!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Reporter: *ports again*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.