Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain