Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.