When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Thursday Thought.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Saturday