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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Easy enough.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.