Personal question. #JustSaying
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
But I really needed water water water
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.