Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.