Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Super Hand Dog Face
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable