At least try to make it slightly believable
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I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”