When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
this country is so goddamn polarized
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector