[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
best first i’ve ever seen
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.