“HELP WITH CAT”
You Might Also Like
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I mean…but I did
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire