I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.