Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time