*jingles half the way*
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
your honor my client chooses dare
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No