Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.