women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?