Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer