the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Weirdos gonna weird.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
yeah 😭
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen