God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal