*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out