It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Jesus Christ lmao
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile