Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.