Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving