You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.