I only treason on days ending in y
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Merry Christmas
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I think my mom just blocked me
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.