I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.