Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Dance like you’re not the father
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards