Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Try and stop me.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.