me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My purse is deeper than some people.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.