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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers