Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.