If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“and how does that make you feel?”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Care for your back
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off