Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.