Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye