Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.