Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Kids: Stay in school.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.