I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
You Might Also Like
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Dammit Chief not again
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
This is always good for a laugh.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
im all 3
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Thursday
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*