I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My apartment is a mess, I should move
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you