The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired